


before you go

by whitepaint



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Aged up characters, Child Jisung, M/M, Single Parent AU, not mpreg, side lee jeno/na jaemin
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-14
Updated: 2020-11-14
Packaged: 2021-03-08 18:55:20
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 14,139
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27471598
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/whitepaint/pseuds/whitepaint
Summary: Renjun never wanted to play push or pull. But the person right in front of him is Lee Donghyuck, gorgeous and sunny and carrying a beautiful child. Renjun figured the universe can help Donghyuck push him off the edge and he'd thank them still; love him still.
Relationships: Huang Ren Jun/Lee Donghyuck | Haechan
Comments: 10
Kudos: 90
Collections: '00 FIC FEST ROUND TWO





	before you go

**Author's Note:**

> FOR PROMPT #00097 "you're a hot single parent I'm eyeing and you proposed a playdate for our kids and I happily agreed but I was actually talking about my pet oh no"
> 
> To whoever made the prompt: I'm sorry, I may or may not have gotten carried away.
> 
> Warning: shitty writing. It's difficult to write something you have 0 experience in. Also, when insecurity strikes in the midst of writing, things get warped.

Renjun has always thought he prefers the quiet life. Yangyang, his beloved cousin, has been in the limelight for as long as the whole family remembers. The idol's life is peaceful, yes, but he works hard everyday to keep it that way. Renjun on the other hand, despite the "glamour" his job can offer him, has effortlessly avoided that side of the industry he belongs to since the very beginning of his career.

See, Renjun is a music producer. He's the kind that has sent his artists to the top of charts numerous times. (mostly Yangyang but it's kinda because the younger can't let go of him.) Still, he has never had the need to show himself to the public as the source of these hits. Not that he minds; in fact, he likes it a lot. He gets credit for everything he does but no one demands they see the face behind the masterpieces.

"So this and that just don't connect," Jaemin said as he continued cleaning his classroom, not even bothering to look at Renjun. "Because you feel secure with this kind of set up, shouldn't you be confident enough to go out and meet people?"

Yes, there's that. But for Renjun, security is in being alone, not in being hidden to the world. He's content with being alone.

As if reading his mind, Jaemin scoffed and said, "you're happy alone now but soon enough, you'll be complaining of being lonely."

"I have Moomin. I have you. I have Yangyang and Mark hyung," Renjun countered, knowing well enough that any of his words won't work against Na Jaemin. 

“Why do you sound like everyone’s out to hurt you? Don’t close your heart off like that.”

"I don't close my heart off, Nana."

Oh yeah? a small voice in his head said. Creepily enough, the voice sounded like his beloved older cousin Sicheng ge. (Renjun adores him, but Sicheng and Yangyang both have this scary ability to read him like their favorite book. That, and Sicheng ge is always, always right.)

~.~

The first time Renjun laid eyes on Lee Donghyuck, he was covered in his baby's vomit. Beside him, Jeno had the culprit by the armpits, arm's length away, wailing like a highly offended cat. Well, he wasn't sure if it was Jeno who sounded like a cat or the baby, but yes they were both wailing miserably. They were in Jeno's pet salon and, thankfully, there were no other human beings inside because Renjun literally was having an existential crisis.

_ Fucking imagine falling in love with a guy covered in baby spunk. _

Donghyuck was gorgeous, laughing at the whole mess like he's not covered in something nasty. Renjun was sure his laugh is what people hear when they get to heaven where angels sing as a form of conversation.

_ I'll do everything for you. _

("Funny how people don't realize they're lonely until they find the person they want to spend the rest of their life with," Jaemin had said when Renjun told him everything. But for Renjun, what's funnier was that the moment he laid eyes on Lee Donghyuck, he was a hundred percent sure this guy was the guy for him. Nevermind being lonely. He'd rather be lonely forever if it's not Donghyuck he'll be with after all.)

Just like how everything in his life goes well with the correct amount of effort, his love life had to start off upside down effortlessly. While Donghyuck went to clean himself and his baby at the back of the salon, Jeno found Renjun by the pet play area beating himself up for finding a literally dirty guy hot. And, to make sure he knew the world was against him that day, his conversation with Jeno will haunt him in his dreams for a good few years.

"Jeno, can I have his number?" Renjun said as soon as Jeno reached him. Renjun was just as surprised as Jeno was but the words were out, he couldn't have swallowed them back in even if he tried. So, acting as if giving out his customer's personal information isn't illegal, Renjun used his most powerful puppy eyes on Jeno, the one he knew Jeno can never say no to.

"Wow, hey Renjun, fancy seeing you here. Did Moomin run out of dog food already?"

"Jeno..."

He knew he wasn't playing fair. And if anyone who wasn't named Jaemin asked, his automatic answer would be "I was possessed." In his defense though, this was the time he should have already been thinking straight. But he wasn't. He couldn't have done anything about it too, anyway. What led him to that spot was a mistake he made hours ago, before he went to bed the night before. If he hadn't forgotten Moomin's food pouch on the floor, the monster wouldn't have gone through it while he was dead to the world. The monster would still have food in the morning, and he wouldn't have had to go to the salon until the evening.

"Renjun, listen to me carefully, okay," Jeno said, looking him straight in the eyes, all serious and suddenly scary. "That’s my twin brother, Donghyuck. And his child Jisung. There's a huge difference between the two of you. While you can go around collecting numbers and dating and checking compatibility, Donghyuck has a child. He can get to know you but he cannot waste his time on you."

_ Oh, the world does hate you Huang Renjun. And you must have done something criminal in your past life to deserve this much hate. _

Unfortunately for Jeno, that wasn't the slap in the face that Renjun needed to get his senses back. The shameless soul in Renjun was actually going to argue and insist if Donghyuck had not come out from the back, clean and carrying a sleeping Jisung.

"Hyuck, come here. There's someone I want to introduce to you."

At that, panic covered Renjun's whole body. He wasn't ready to talk. He asked for the number so he could prepare what to say. Immediately, his hands became sweaty and his instinct to run got him looking around for an exit or hiding spot. Alas, there was none and before he knew it, gorgeous and sunny Donghyuck was right in front of him.

"Hyuck, this is Renjun, one of my patrons and Jaemin’s best friend. He’s actually the one who introduced us.” Jeno said. When Renjun has finally cleared his head he would go back to this specific part of the conversation and realize Jeno just sold him as a future collateral. “Renjun, my twin brother, Donghyuck."

"Hey, Renjun, nice to meet you! Although, I think it’s a bit weird I met the boyfriend’s best friend before the boyfriend himself, I’ll take this as a win since you’re cute," Donghyuck said with a smile that completely derailed Renjun's thoughts. "I hope you didn't see the disaster that had happened just a while ago."

_ That fucking giggle!!! HE FUCKING CALLED ME CUTE!!! WAIT!!! WAIT!!! GOOD LORD I CANNOT BREATHE!!! WAIT!!! _

"I- I- I-" Renjun was gone. It felt like he’d imploded at least five times since spotting Donghyuck.

"He saw, but it's no big deal. He's actually gone through worse."

"Oh, you have your own little bundle of terror too?" Looking back, it was actually unnerving that Donghyuck looked a bit manic at the mere mention of a child. Poor soul must have gone through quite the patchy road that week.

"Huh? Uh, yeah." If his head hadn’t been foggy, he’d have noticed Jeno looking at him bug-eyed, fully amused at the fact Renjun was sabotaging himself all on his own. “Totally, yes. Definitely.”

"Tough, right? But this one here is a gem so I guess I'm stuck with him."

_ Stop laughing, I'm gonna die. _

"Yeah- yeah, me too. He's such a gem I can't… I can't remember anymore the time I lived without him."

"Awww you're sweet. Jeno, you and Jaemin really are meant to be,” Donghyuck faced Jeno, a mischievous smile blooming on his face, making Renjun implode once more. “Your brother has a baby, his best friend has a baby. Isn’t that nice?”

“Hyuck…”

“Oh I know! How about we set a playdate for our bundles of terror? And bring Jaemin with you so I can finally meet him. What do you say? This kid hadn't had anyone to play with before actually, he hates people."

"Uhm... sure..." Again, if he had been paying attention, he’d have seen the warning stare Jeno sent his way.

"Here, put your number in."

Again, in Renjun's defense, he wasn't in the right state of mind. He just had enough brain functions to type in his number on Donghyuck's phone. After that, he was blank again, except for the  _ Donghyuck Dongyhuck Donghyuck _ on repeat inside his head.

"You are an idiot." Jeno said when Donghyuck left, amusement still very much obvious on his face and in his voice.

~.~

The past few weeks, wherever Mark is, there's Yangyang. Renjun had stopped asking, it's not like the three of them aren't close friends who hang out a lot. But when he needs a person with common sense, he calls Mark. Lately, it felt like the common sense grew a very dark humor and a vocabulary that stings.

"Wait, you want us to convince you the playdate is just a playdate?" Yangyang asked as if there's something grossly nasty growing on his face.

"I wanted MARK HYUNG not you."

Really, he loves his cousin but sometimes Renjun couldn't help but feel like the younger was born to demonic parents. It's like he feeds on the irritation and annoyance people feel when in his presence. Sometimes even, it fucking feels like he finds Renjun's irritation and annoyance the most delicious.

"ANYWAY, can we not bicker now?" Mark said, adjusting himself on the floor with his favorite bottle of beer. "Yangie, aren't you happy Junnie's finally got a love story again?"

"Yeah, and he's about to mess it up even before it officially started."

"You guys have too much hope for my lame ass. That's so sweet."

"I mean yeah, okay. For all we know the playdate really is just a playdate," Mark looked at Yangyang as if making sure he's ready to back the older up in his theory. "But how are you so sure after this, there won't be any more meetings we can actually label as 'date'?"

"Yeah, unless you plan on intentionally ruining this meeting so you won't get any more. Which I know you won't do. I know you."

With a heavy and pre-humiliated sigh, Renjun spilled his heart.

"Remember those two and a half dates I had before? Like you can't even count that half an actual half because apparently Jung Yoonoh doesn't like pillow princesses. And those two dates... well, there was effort put in. BUT on their side. I'm never the kind of gay who works on his side of the relationship. And yes, I am an asshole for that. BUT in my defense, they never told me I should. They gave me time, gifts, made me laugh and never asked for anything in return so I never gave much. And I THOUGHT it was okay. Until it wasn’t.

"Jeno told me Donghyuck doesn't have the luxury of time because obviously, his attention should be on his child. He'll never bother with someone like me. I'm too much effort to take care of!"

"You just made yourself sound like a high maintenance cat breed. You're not that cute."

Totally ignoring comments from his demon cousin, he stared expectantly at Mark.

"You suck at being human. But that's okay, no one's perfect. What's important is that you know what's wrong. Now, do something to correct it."

"I don't even know how to start. It's a playdate, the focus is on the kid!" Renjun lamented, with a "...and the dog, of course," tacked in upon seeing Moomin's adorably expectant face.

"If there's a will there's a way," Mark said the same time Yangyang said, "no road in sight? Make your own."

"You're really good at being honest, Junnie. That's like, your best charm. Use it."

"Even if it flusters him too much, just tell him how you feel. At least, you're clear with your intentions."

"I'm sure your charms will land you more dates we can label 'actual, real date'. Then, you can correct your mistakes further. Make him feel special, give him attention, all that cute shit."

"If you don't get any more dates, at least you tried. At least you didn't just sit pretty like you did with the other guys."

~.~

To say it was humiliating would be an understatement. Renjun promised a fucking playdate with a human child, and he had to bring a dog. It would have been easier, less humiliating, if he had just told Donghyuck he didn't really have a child. He had Donghyuck's number, for fuck's sake. They planned this playdate together through text, for fuck's sake. Renjun had never felt so stupid in his entire life.

When Renjun arrived at the park, his hands were shaking. He was about to humiliate himself in front of this hot guy and his beautiful baby. Worse, he was taking poor Moomin down with him. He also wasn't sure that it was a good idea Jaemin went to the park with Jeno instead of with him. He didn't have a talking moral support and Moomin's fur was not enough. He could only squish the dog too much without hurting him. Thankfully, Moomin is best at sensing his human's emotions. He was able to calm Renjun down enough to get the human's legs moving out of the car.

"Why am I worried?" Renjun mumbled to himself as he rubbed the back of his hand on Moomin's forehead. "Jisung loves dogs, Donghyuck loves dogs. Jeno said so. Moomin's a good distraction from the fact I'm a fucking liar."

Still a few meters away from them, Renjun could already hear Jisung screeching in delight, asking his dad to put him down. That was already a good one point, if he could say so. And when they reached the picnic blanket, Moomin was immediately enamored with Jisung. Renjun counted that as another good point. Like automatic audio machines, the adults started cooing over the pair, encouraging them to play, at the same time warning the kid to be careful and gentle with the dog. When it seemed Jeno and Jaemin had embraced the babysitting duty, Renjun decided it was finally time to face the wrath of the father.

"So, a dog." At least Donghyuck was smirking. He didn't look offended. But Renjun wouldn't put it past the hot guy to decide insulting Renjun would pay for his being secretly offended. He would probably allow Donghyuck that, hoping they could start fresh. "What's his name again?"

"Moomin," Renjun answered with a tiny giggle, abashed and starting to get red in the face. "In my defense, I wasn't thinking straight that day we first met."

He would have to be honest, at least to himself, that Mark and Yangyang's words had been bouncing around in his head since that night. But to expect this conversation would actually give him a lead to being honest with his feelings for Donghyuck, whom he'd only met again that day, he just thought it was too much. Then again, he did agree with Yangyang- "No road in sight? Make your own."

"It's just that you were smiling so beautifully, I didn't have the capacity to answer properly."

Donghyuck was shocked speechless, to say the least. But it seemed, with the way Donghyuck's cute smirk grew more all-knowing, he had caught on that Renjun was trying to flirt.

"Oh, you're going that way, huh?"

"... what way?"  _ Fuck, is this a trap? Did I make it  worse? _ To be fair, Renjun's ability to flirt wasn't rusty as much as it was nonexistent. In his twenty-five years of life, he's never had to flirt with anyone ever. It was rather painful to admit to Yangyang and Mark that he can get his way with just his eyes and general charm; but yes he's one who can get what he wants without much effort. That being said, it's nothing to be proud of when he very obviously messed up the one chance he needed his flirting cards the most.

But for some reason, even though it was him Donghyuck was laughing at, he still quite literally felt himself fall at the sound of Donghyuck's beautiful laugh. He's whipped, what of it?

"Jaemin told me you don't know how to consciously flirt. I thought he was bluffing but apparently not."

"... consciously flirt..." sometimes, all he could do was sigh.

"Don't get me wrong, you're really cute."

"Now, I'm consciously flirting with you."

Renjun wasn't sure where the budding relationship was going, or if there was really a relationship budding at all. But even if all this ends with a broken heart, he thought he'd be satisfied having Donghyuck's laugh playing on loop in his head.

~.~

The next time Jaemin and Renjun met, they each brought Yangyang and Mark to the café the two best friends love so much. And Jeno was tagging along. Yangyang thought Jaemin would be able to spill the events of the playdate faster than Renjun. Unfortunately, Jaemin knew nothing because they were busy with Jisung the whole time. Renjun, on the other hand, knew he could trust Mark Lee to sympathize with him.

"Wait, you mean he hasn't called or texted you?" Jeno asked, eyes wide in horror and disbelief. "It's been what four days?"

Renjun had so much fun getting to know Donghyuck that day at the park. The whole time they were there, it was just the two of them on the picnic blanket while Jaemin and Jeno took care of Jisung and Moomin. They talked a lot and laughed a lot. Renjun was surprised they had so much in common.

The whole deal made him determined to work on the relationship. Like really work on it.

But then Donghyuck never responded again. The night of the outing, he greeted Donghyuck goodnight through text. And a good morning the next day. There never came a response but they were just greetings so he tried hard not to think too much about it. But when he asked how Donghyuck's day had been so far and there still was no reply, he just felt sad.

"Jeno, with all due respect, this is kinda awkward," Renjun, sighing for what felt like the hundredth time in four days, said. "This is your brother we're talking about. A half of my brain tells me you're spying on me for him. The other half tells me you're actually secretly laughing at me. And now I think you're doing both."

He didn't mean to push Jeno away, the guy looked genuinely offended on his behalf. For some reason though, he felt like he was being ridiculed. First, he assumed Donghyuck wouldn't bother with him. Then, he was given positive signals so he assumed that he assumed wrong. But then it turns out he was actually wrong about that. It seriously felt like the thought of him finally bothering to work on a relationship was so funny everyone needed to mock him.

"Jun, I'm not. I swear. I've been talking to Hyuck everyday and he never mentioned you so I thought everything was okay. I mean, he tends to complain a lot so not complaining about you was actually a good sign to me."

"Then you're probably right. He just has more important things to waste his time on."

"I mean..."

"Jun, I know it sucks. But you gave it a try." Yangyang said, reaching out to hold onto his hand. Trust his cousin to be straightforward as always. At least he was being nice. "Didn't we agree you wouldn't know unless you tried? Well, now you know. There's no point in getting stuck in this."

"Besides, you can't blame the guy." Mark's hand had long since found its niche running along Renjun's back. "He has a child. He may have found you charming but he has his priorities. It's not like he found you ugly or not nice."

"Renjun, I'm sorry-"

"Jeno, it was really nice that you warned me as soon as possible. Thank you so much."

~.~

[coffee. café across the pet salon. now.]

That's it, that's the text. Two weeks of no contact, and this was what he got. Mark thought it was of perfect timing though because he'd been chewing this particular artist's head off for over 3 days then.

("Who the fuck debuts a self-centered artist who thinks his craft is perfect from birth? He's been fucking screeching into the mic since he got in the booth!"

"Junnie-"

"WHO SIGNED A CONTRACT WITH THIS ASSHOLE? DOYOUNG HYUNG, WAS IT YOU? EVER SINCE BAEKHYUN HYUNG WENT AWAY ON HIS HONEYMOON YOU'VE BEEN GETTING LOUSY AT CHOOSING THE QUALITY OF ARTISTS WE WORK WITH!"

"Calm the fuck down, Jun."

"HE'S AN ASSHOLE!")

When he arrived at the café, he was in a literal slump. He thought a sudden influx of things to do at work would help him forget Dongyhuck, but no. In the end, the two weeks were spent working and cramming more work during breaks, just so he wouldn't have time to think of Donghyuck. But a simple glance at his phone would remind him that Donghyuck chose to ghost him and that the only time he genuinely liked a person, the chance slipped from his fingers before he could even try to hold onto it.

"Renjun, I'm sorry," was Donghyuck's greeting. Despite the despair, Renjun decided to really look at him. Donghyuck himself was literally slumped on his chair. There were lines on his forehead Renjun couldn't remember being there back at the park. He looked tired, he looked like he was forcing himself to be there. The person in front of Renjun just made him sink more into the depressed state he's been in for two weeks. "I'm really sorry."

"I don't really know what to say," Renjun mumbled, looking down on the empty table. He should have ordered something, anything to give attention to instead of giving it fully to Donghyuck. "It's okay, I guess?"

"It's really not. Look, I still don't know if I'm doing the right thing sitting here with you but I don't want to keep being an asshole. I shouldn't have ghosted you like that. I should have explained."

"You can explain now..."

Truth be told though, Renjun was scared of what he'd hear. He's still pretty sure Donghyuck was his karma for all those guys he didn't take care of like a decent human being should have. And he's also quite sure Donghyuck got a glimpse of that personality of his when they were at the park. But he's tired of thinking of all the what ifs and the constant unanswered whys. He thought at least a confirmation would calm his heart.

"Renjun..."

He could see that Donghyuck himself was in a dilemma. He looked as if he was seconds away from crying, like he wanted nothing more than to leave and... well, never show up in front of Renjun again. Whatever his reason was, it looked too heavy a burden.

"Renjun, I liked you so much. I seriously have never liked anyone like this before, not even Jisung's mom. And you're something else. You and I would've been perfect if I was single."

Single, not a single father. Renjun felt cold sweat run down his spine. Mark was right, Donghyuck was not going to bother because of priorities. He was not going to bother because relationships were a waste of time.

"The playdate was really nice. It was really nice of you to let Jisung play with Moomin. We got to know each other too. But Renjun, never once did you look at Jisung, never bothered to get to know him too."

_ Oh? That's unfair. _

"We're a packa-"

"I never had a chance to do so. I tried to introduce myself, I tried to ask if Moomin had been nice to him, but he was too busy with the dog. Other than those times, I never had the opportunity."

_ Wait, this hurts so much more than simply being deemed not worth his time. _

"I know you're a package, for fuck's sake that's a child. That's  _ your _ child. I thought because we got along so well, I'd be given more chances to get to know him along with you. I didn't know I was already labeled an asshole-"

He didn't know if it was the sudden onslaught of tears or just the genuine hurt that Donghyuck actually thought he was heartless enough to totally ignore a child in favor of building a relationship with the father. He just knew he had to leave, because it would hurt more if he had let Donghyuck talk.

~.~

He would admit he thought he wasn't good with kids, but only because he had never been given the chance to try. All his friends were single and not fathering any child. His cousins are mostly older than him, and those who aren't are the same age as him. And none of them were parents yet. His work environment has never involved children and his only married workmate was still childless.

He knows he's an asshole. He's never in his life ever claimed to be a fucking saint. But he's not that much of an asshole. He'd known since the very beginning that Donghyuck has a child. He wasn't going to act as if Jisung never existed. He never even thought of doing that for a second. He knew the efforts he had to exert for Donghyuck to like him wouldn't be exclusive to him only. He knew his efforts needed to extend to Jisung.

"It's unfair. So unfair," Renjun said as he cleaned his face free of tears. He had begged Jaemin to make sure he didn't cry anymore but it always hits him hard when Yangyang and Jaemin treat him gently. "What's more unfair is that I know I'll go straight back to worshipping Donghyuck if he asks me to. Like a total idiot."

"You have it that bad, huh?"

"Apparently. I don't even know why I'm crying 'cause in my head I'm already waiting, fucking hoping he'd call and apologize. My stupid ass is already planning what to do when he gives me the chance."

"IF he gives you the chance," Yangyang corrected, earning a slap to the arm from Jaemin. "No, let's be realistic here. Donghyuck could be regretting everything now. He's probably feeling ashamed. You'd be stupid to think he'll still call after all that."

"Yangie," Renjun tried as he started tearing up again. He grabbed another tissue from the coffee table and pressed it hard to his eyes. Maybe if he pressed hard enough he wouldn't have to see himself, even in his mind's eye looking like a fool for someone he's only met a total of three times. "Yangie, I just called myself stupid. What do you think am I? Do you seriously think me being willing to lick the ground Donghyuck walks on is genius? Yangyang!"

~.~

So it turned out Yangyang was right. Days turned to weeks, turned to months. Donghyuck never contacted him again. He never went back to the pet salon, only had his purchases ordered online and delivered. He still talked to Jeno through texts and calls but they'd never met again since their café outing with their other friends. He knew Jeno felt guilty but be it because Donghyuck is his brother or because of what Donghyuck did, he really didn't want to know. Jeno had nothing to be guilty of, that's it. He was hoping though that when they all did meet again, and they would because it's seriously one of the most inevitable things on earth, it's at a time he's better.

("I'm still recovering," Renjun said, slumped on the floor of his living room with Moomin plastered to his side. "I know this isn't entirely his fault. I know I had something to do with this mess too. Right now though, I'm still really hurting."

"That's very valid."

"You're strong."

"We're proud of you, Junnie."

Having his cousin and friends with him definitely helped a lot. The process was slow and agonizing but he was sure it'd be three times worse if they hadn't been there, right beside him.)

Unfortunately, the world hated him with a passion.

"I'm so sorry, Renjun." Jeno, panicked and a bit out of it, pushed a flustered looking Jisung to him. The boy had red-rimmed eyes, an equally red nose and a quivering set of lips. If Jeno had not told him what happened he would have been convinced the kid had been crying. "I'm really sorry."

"Wait, why does he look like this? Did you not take him to the hospital?" He lifted Jisung onto his hip so he could see the child's face closer.

"He said he didn't inhale much."

"He's a kid, Jeno! What does he know about fucking fumes?"

One minute, Renjun was in his studio making music. The next minute, he was on the phone with Jeno who was on the verge of a panic attack. According to the younger, he was babysitting Jisung when a nasty smell started going around the pet salon. Turns out, there was some kind of gas leak from one of the upper units that spread through the ventilations.

And so, in the next two hours, he found himself in the pediatric hospital with a quietly sniffing Jisung; without Jeno because he had to attend to his shop... or something. Renjun himself had become quite panicked that he totally ignored Jeno. And the kid did inhale a lot of that nasty fume.

"Why didn't you tell Jeno samchon you weren't feeling well?" Renjun asked, combing Jisung's too-long bangs out of his irritated eyes. "You really should have, you know."

"He will cry," Jisung answered in a very tiny voice that Renjun barely heard. "He always worries."

Renjun couldn't help but coo. If he didn't know better he'd believe this child is actually Jeno's. They have quite a lot in common. Adorable.

"Of course he will worry, he's your uncle. Even if the bad smell didn't go into the store, he'd still worry about you. Because he cares about you a lot."

"He'll tell appa." Well, Renjun just texted Donghyuck. "Appa will worry. He also always worries a lot."

"That's normal, Jisungie. He's your appa, of course he will worry."

"But-but they always cry. They always worry and then cry."

In the midst of his cooing, he noted the swell in his heart. Jisung, a child who should only be focused on himself, was very aware of his surroundings. He may not have an explanation for it, but he knew his father and uncle were struggling to raise him. Renjun wished he could explain to a child that this was a good thing. Every single one of these three human beings were doing so well.

"How 'bout this," he was going to punch air and hope for the best. There was no reason for this child to trust him; he's not even sure Jisung remembered him. Probably just Moomin. "I'll scold your Jeno samchon and appa for crying in front of you. Will that make you feel better?"

A second of thinking and a nod, accompanied by a tiny smile.

"But you have to promise that next time you have to tell them everything. Especially, when you're not feeling well."

Another nod, a pinky promise; and they're all set.

"Okay, what else should we scold them for?"

A giggle and Renjun felt like he was melting into a puddle. Someone should have warned him kids are cute, allowed him to prepare his heart. This was just too much.

"Appa eats ice cream before bed."

"Oh that's bad!" Paired with a gasp and he's got Jisung nodding firmly, determined to sell his father's soul to the devil.

"And-and sometimes ramen too."

"Oh no!" It literally took all of Renjun's self control not to keep cooing. Jisung needed to be taken seriously. "Appa's bad!"

"Did my own child just sell me?"

With extremely fast reflexes Renjun didn't know he was capable of, he whipped his head to the door. There, still holding the door open, was Lee Donghyuck, still gorgeous in Renjun's eyes. He was smiling abashedly; a bit comical, Renjun thought to himself. But fucking gorgeous.

"Appa's bad."

"Right?"  _ Yes Renjun, he's been bad. Don't fucking give in just because he's gORgEoUs. _ "So, because appa's bad, let's have ice cream and not give him any."

"Yes!"

And  _ that _ was how he found himself sitting at an ice cream parlor, eating ice cream with Jisung. And totally ignoring Donghyuck. As he busied himself with alternating between feeding himself and feeding Jisung, he couldn't help but hope his friends would praise him later. He was doing a fucking great job.

"Have you heard from Jeno? When I tried to call him, he didn't answer. Jaemin just texted that they're okay..."

In Renjun's defense, Donghyuck has been answering his own questions since he decided he wanted to have conversations with Renjun. There totally was no reason for Renjun to answer that question because Jaemin technically did.

"Appa calls me mochi sometimes."

"Why? Because you're squishy and cute?"

"Yes-"

"Because his face is fat."

Alarmed, he couldn't help stare at Donghyuck despite all his attempts to ignore him earlier. Albeit incredulous, Renjun berated himself for giving the other guy the attention he didn't deserve.

"How fucking dare you."

"Hey, no cursing in front of my child," Donghyuck said with a smirk. No, Renjun didn't find that hot. Then, to his child, "that was a joke baby. Your face isn't fat. You're very cute."

_ What the actual fuck. _

"Stop glaring at me," Donghyuck said, and so Renjun glared harder. "You were ignoring me, what did you want me to do?"

"Ignore me too."

When Dongyuck laughed, Renjun cursed himself with ten years of bad luck for being such an idiot. Falling for someone all over again just because he laughed? Renjun wondered just how much lower he could get before he ended up in hell.

"I can't do that! you have my kid."

"First you accuse me of ignoring him. Now, you're accusing me of kidnapping him?"

"I didn't accuse you of anything."

"Good. Now, ignore me. I'm busy." And to emphasize, Renjun turned so that most of what Donghyuck could see of him was his back and nothing else. Perfect, Renjun thought because then he was able to give his full attention to Jisung. In the end, he succeeded in not giving Donghyuck the chance to talk to him again. When they separated, he said goodbye to Jisung and Jisung only. Yes, he was that petty.

But his heart was hurting. Could he really be blamed?

~.~

[Can Jisung play with Moomin again? He misses Moomin.]

Renjun would have been lying if he said that single text didn't do even a tiny little number on his heart. It was another month since the ice cream parlor event. By this time, Renjun was quite sure Donghyuck's really never going to bother with him again. His dog probably, thus he kind of expected the text. But this was still Donghyuck reaching out, it's still bound to hurt and make him hope at the same time.

So he did what he thought was logical. He replied with an affirmative but didn't respond to Donghyuck's other attempts to plan an outing with him. Instead, he texted Jaemin and asked him to take Moomin to the pet salon on a day Jeno would be babysitting Jisung. And it worked out just fine. Jaemin brought Moomin to the salon one day and a few minutes later, he started receiving small clips of Jisung and Moomin playing.

Something that hurt though was the fact in every tiny clip Jisung could be heard asking for  _ Renjun ahjussi. _ It shouldn't hurt; it shouldn't affect him at all. But it did. Because in the few hours he spent with Jisung in the hospital and then in the ice cream parlor, he grew very fond of the child. He figured it probably wouldn't have affected him if the child's father had just given him a chance.

_ Welp, so much for that. With the way my stupid brain works though, it's just better I cut all ties now. _

He really should have known better than to believe the universe would allow him to do that. He's never been that lucky.

An hour since Jaemin left with Moomin, the doorbell rang. He was expecting his lunch so he didn't hesitate when he opened the door. What came barreling in though was not food.

"Donghyuck, what the fuck?"

"Listen, I know you're angry. You must hate me," Donghyuck spoke like he was in a rap battle. He literally didn't want to let Renjun speak over him. "And I really can't blame you. I'd hate myself too if I had the time. But please, please just allow me a few minutes to explain. You want me to kneel? I'll kiss your feet."

"LEE DONGHYUCK!" Renjun screeched, horrified when Donghyuck really did kneel by the foyer and tried to reach for his foot. Running as far away from the entrance as possible, he screamed, "GET THE FUCK UP!"

"By doing that," Donghyuck said as he struggled to remove his shoes. "You're technically allowing me to enter your home and, in turn, have a conversation with you."

It's not like he had any choice. He knew his own strength and, combined with his ( _ fucking arrrrgggghhhh your newest and worst low Huang _ ) softness for Donghyuck, he knew he wouldn't be able to kick the other out even if he tried. So, ignoring Donghyuck while he still could, he went to the kitchen to prepare them tea.

"Renjun, I was paranoid. I've tried this before. Those people, they did their best, they tried to include Jisung and all. But we still ended up separating ways. I didn't mind that they left  _ me _ but I don't want Jisung to grow up thinking he's the reason I'm not happy. I don't want him to think there's no one else in our lives other than Jeno because he's too much to handle for everyone else. None of this is his fau-"

"Okay, shut up!" Renjun whirled around to face Donghyuck, pointer finger jabbing into the other's chest, rage filling his own. He hated that Donghyuck was making excuses. "You say this isn't Jisung's fault but you fucking ghosted me because I was  _ ignoring him. _ You don't want him to think he's too much to handle but you cut me off MANY TIMES! Especially after he got to know me! Tell me, Dongyhuck. What did you say to him when he was looking for  _ Renjun ahjussi _ earlier? What, that I was just a figment of his imagination? Oh wait, let me guess. You told him I'm not important. That I'm just a random guy who let you have his dog for a day."

"I'm sorry," was all Donghyuck could answer, deflated and defeated. The damn apology filled Renjun with more anger, but he was drained. Mentally, and emotionally. "I'm so sorry, Renjun."

"You're unfair." Once again, he was lost on what answer to give Donghyuck. By the time the tears were able to escape his eyes, his body had lost all energy and he just sat there, on the dining table, pressing the heels of his palms to his eyes. He wasn't sure how Donghyuck, practically a stranger to him, could affect him this much. It made him feel stupid. He's never been this stupid his whole life. He wished he could just stop caring about Donghyuck.

Gently, as if he was going to explode at the lightest contact, he felt arms wrap around his shoulders. Again, he wished he could push Donghyuck away; out of his mind, out of his heart. But who was he kidding? He craved for this. He wished for Dongyuck's touch, his affection, as much as he wished he hadn't met Donghyuck instead.

"I should have given you a chance. I watched you with Jisung and I regretted what I did. I'm so sorry. Renjun, please."

It took Renjun quite a few minutes to calm down. The whole time he was bawling, Donghyuck had effortlessly moved them to the living room, passed him the box of tissues on the side table and rocked him in an attempt to comfort.

"What do you even want?" Renjun mumbled as he rubbed his nose with a tissue. "Wouldn't it be easier for you to just go with your first impression of me or something? Act like I never even came close to entering your life?"

"I tried," Donghyuck answered, seemingly unconsciously rubbing Renjun's arm. "But I couldn't forget you. How you talked to me back at the park. How you treated Jisung when he needed an adult. I know I shouldn't compare you to the others I've gone out with but... you're different... in everything. It's difficult to explain even to myself so I just kept thinking of you and asking myself what would've changed by now if I had just given us a shot. It's frustrating that I don't have a single answer. I regretted big time."

"So... you're going to give me a chance?"

"I should be the one asking you that."

"Okay." Renjun replied so casually Donghyuck laughed, surprised. With a shrug, he continued, "I'm stupid. I've been waiting for you to give me a chance. I've planned a long time ago what I'd do when I get that consent."

"Really? What are you going to do?"

"Be the person behind you and Jisung, waiting to catch whoever needs catching. Waiting to support whoever needs support."

As gentle as when Renjun was still crying, Donghyuck reached out to caress his face. His warm thumb rubbed so tenderly the apples of Renjun's cheeks that Renjun couldn't help lean into his hand. He wished so badly he could always have Donghyuck like this. Close, intimate. He felt loved.

When he felt Donghyuck's lips on his, he could see at the back of his mind the red flashing lights of huge warning signs. But he didn't care. Fake affection is still affection. If this turned out to be a dream, or if Donghyuck decided the next day he didn't want this after all, Renjun would accept. He would cry but he would accept.

This was the reality of his feelings for Donghyuck.

~.~

It was pretty late when Jaemin came back with Moomin. Renjun kind of felt bad that Jaemin had to witness him and Donghyuck making out on the couch because he looked like he had a great day. But he had totally forgotten everyone else that wasn't Donghyuck that time, so a tiny sacrifice had to be made.

"You were making out with Lee Donghyuck," Jaemin sounded like he was dreaming. His smile looked too goofy for someone allegedly traumatized by the image of his best friend making out with someone. "Is that why you asked me to bring Moomin to the salon? So you can make out with him?"

"Idiot, no." And so, they decided to have a conference call with Mark and Yangyang so Renjun could update them all in one go of what happened. He tried his best to make it sound as least dramatic as possible because when he calmed down, he realized he may have gone a little bit overboard with the crying and shouting.

"Not to be me but," Yangyang said then cut himself off. "I don't know. Just don't give everything, Renjun. Save some for yourself too."

~.~

At twenty-five years old, Renjun never expected he’d still go to an amusement park for a date. Donghyuck insisted that it was a timeless location, everyone can go on a date there regardless of age. He didn’t really mind, he was actually excited.

“They have three roller coasters here,” Donghyuck said as he gleefully swung their linked hands. “Which one do we ride first?”

“The biggest one!”

So, they made it a mission to get all the extreme rides before lunch so there was less risk of them throwing up like kids who didn’t know their limits. After the three roller coasters, they found the swinging ship and made sure they got the seats at the end of the ride. Even before the ride started moving, they were already screaming and laughing. And the whole time it was moving, they held each other’s hands in the air, smiling and laughing like everything was perfect.

“Let’s ride the teacups next!” Donghyuck shouted, pulling him to the spinning teacups. “I’ll spin us super fast.”

“I’ll throw up!”

By the time they got to their teacup ride, Renjun’s hands were already clammy. He was already feeling nauseous while Donghyuck seemed more excited than the kids surrounding them. When the ride started moving, they were jerked to the side so hard they started laughing. Renjun really was laughing until Donghyuck started spinning their teacup, then he just wanted to cry.

“I’m going to throw up!”

“Just watch me! Just watch me, you’ll be okay!”

He was hesitant to look at Donghyuck at first, but he needed something stationary or his nausea would get worse. And boy, did he not regret. Donghyuck was smiling so brightly, like he was the happiest person on earth. The ever changing and moving lights behind him helped emphasize all the features of his face Renjun loved so much; his sparkling eyes, the shape of his mouth… 

_ Everything about him. _

“Just look at me!”

At the end of the ride, Donghyuck had to support Renjun out of the area because his bones literally turned to jelly. Donghyuck laughed at him but kissed him a lot as an apology so he decided to let it go. Besides, he found it sweet that Donghyuck tried to help him stay calm the whole ride. (And helped him come to terms with his feelings but that’s neither here nor there.)

He swore never to ride those damn teacups again though.

After lunch, they made another mission of eating all the sweets they could find in the park, especially the ones they used to love when they were kids. They easily found the cotton candies and the assorted candy stalls.

“Let’s buy Jisung these,” Renjun said, pointing at the sour jelly tapes. Then, seeing the chocolate rocks, “Also these.”

If Donghyuck hadn’t held onto his hand to stop him from pointing, they might have ended up buying the whole stall.  _ That  _ would have been Donghyuck's worst nightmare.

After purchasing enough candies to secure both adults some well placed cavities, they took a spot of grass to lounge on for the rest of the day. Cuddling, they alternated between feeding each other and taking selfies.

“If this is what teenagers do on dates, I feel a million times older.” Renjun said, giggling on Donghyuck’s chest. “I’ve never gone to an amusement park for a date.”

“But you had fun, right?”

When Renjun looked up at Donghyuck’s face, his breath couldn’t help but get stuck in his lungs. Donghyuck was looking at him like he hung the stars in the sky, like he’s the most beautiful entity he’s ever laid eyes on. Renjun has never had anyone look at him like that. He felt his heart swell once again. Suddenly, he felt stronger, like he could do anything Donghyuck wanted him to do. He’s finally, officially confirmed. He’s in love with Lee Donghyuck.

“I had so much fun.”

~.~

"Okay, you know how to reach me in case you need anything," Donghyuck said from the floor of Renjun's foyer, packing a pair of spare slippers and another pair of shoes. Beside him, Jisung clung to his side, alternating between pouting and accepting banana chips from Renjun. "Jisungie, for the love of all things cute and fluffy, please DO NOT pull Moomin's fur. You don't want your friend to get angry at you."

This was the first time, after four months of dating, that Donghyuck was leaving Jisung to Renjun. At first, Donghyuck was hesitant. And Renjun understood. Every time he got a chance to spend time with Jisung, Donghyuck would be there. He’d get to have fun with Jisung but Donghyuck would still be the one taking care of the child. He got to help once in a while, like when feeding Jisung vegetables or when bathing him. But he was more an assistant. If Jisung himself hadn’t insisted to stay with him, Jisung would have been taken to Jeno. 

"When are you coming back, appa?"

"I haven't even left yet, mochi. Renjun, I know it's difficult but please tell him off if he needs to be told off. DO NOT spoil the child."

Spoiling the child was last on his list of crimes against Donghyuck; he swore that to Jaemin, Yangyang and Mark. But Jisung was never the type of child to throw tantrums at all (unless very necessary), he’s a very good boy. So instead of classifying them as spoiling, everything he’s done for and given to Jisung so far were more like rewards. Renjun thought, as long as Donghyuck does it, he’s not overstepping anything if he did it himself.

"Okay."

"See, that's proof you're not listening to me. Listen to me."

"I'm listening to you."

If he was being honest though, he wasn't really interested. Donghyuck was going to be gone for over two weeks and he was so excited to bring Jisung to Mark's giant home. Jisung told him once that he loved to swim but his appa was scared he'd drown so they never went anywhere near large bodies of water. Renjun himself wasn't scared of the kid drowning as much as him getting germs from public pools. He didn't want another trip to the pediatrics in less than a year. So, Mark's swimming pool it was.

"Please, just a simple 'we're alive' text every once in a while is all I ask." Donghyuck said as he stared pointedly at Renjun. Renjun, despite almost literally vibrating in excitement, tried his best to look serious. He nodded firmly and looked into Donghyuck's eyes, hoping hard that he gave off the aura of a trustworthy boyfriend. "Huang Renjun."

"I will, I promise. Besides, I don't think Jisung will let me forget he has a father."

"Hey, that father is your boyfriend."

Thankfully, despite the arched eyebrow, Donghyuck decided he wouldn't be risking tardiness in favor of questioning his boyfriend. And so, after a kiss from each of his boys, he left Renjun's apartment with his spare footwears and childless arms.

As soon as the door slammed close, Jisung clung on his legs, looking up at him with the most adorable puppy eyes he's ever seen. More adorable than Moomin's. What was he supposed to say? No?

"Excited?"

"Yes!"

"Let's double check our stuff first, baby."

A few hours later (he had to make sure Donghyuck had left Seoul before he could risk leaving his apartment), totally not feeling like he just kidnapped a child, he and Jisung finally reached Mark's home. He was expecting it'd only be him, Jisung and Mark; maybe Yangyang. He definitely didn't expect Jeno and Jaemin to be there; even before him too.

"I knew you'd do this!" Jeno shouted in between cackles as he rolled on the floor of the living room. "God, Donghyuck got the complete opposite of him!"

"He’s going to tell appa,” Jisung whined, getting ready to throw a massive tantrum on the floor.

“No! No, he won’t!” Renjun almost screamed. He glared at Jeno, pinching his side hard. “Right,  _ Jeno samchon!?” _

“NO! NO I WON’T I WON’T I WON’T I WON’T!”

“See! Come on! Let’s go get changed so we can finally swim!” Renjun said excitedly as he scooped Jisung onto his hip, twirled him once and headed for the guest bedroom where Mark put their stuff. Then, realizing they didn’t have anything to pump air into the multitude of floaties they brought, called out to a still squirming Jeno in the living room. “Jeno, come help inflate the floaties!”

“I hate you,” Jeno mumbled about thirty minutes later, after everything had been set up by the pool. If Renjun had given him enough attention, he’d have heard Jeno was slightly wheezing. But he was already in the pool with an overjoyed Jisung. Besides, Jeno had his boyfriend with him; laughing at him, but at least sympathetic. “I really hate you. I’m going to make Moomin jump into the pool later.”

Jisung, though; he couldn’t take his eyes off Jisung. The child was having the time of his life while perched on a donut floaty. His arms, a bit mobility challenged because of the inflatable arm floats, were trying to paddle into the water so he could move. For a second, he felt envious of Donghyuck who has the privilege of seeing this everyday. 

_ I want to be part of this too. _

“Teach-teach me swim,” Jisung said in between giggles as he tried his best to paddle closer to Renjun. “I wanna swim.”

Once again, he felt that swell in his heart. At twenty-five years old, the thought of raising a child has never crossed his mind. Not even when he first met Donghyuck, the thought of having to be present while Jisung was growing up never came to mind. He knew Jisung is as much a part of Donghyuck as his feelings for the father are strong. It hadn’t sunk in that this child was a part of the relationship he wanted to build with Donghyuck until he had to watch said child be happy because of him.

_ I want this. _

Truthfully speaking, he was terrified. Raising a child isn’t a freaking walk in the park. He could only imagine everything Donghyuck went through from the moment he had Jisung. He didn’t have to ask to know Donghyuck was still struggling even with Jeno and their parents. Heck, he’s sure even with him, Donghyuck would still be struggling. But he wanted to learn. He wanted to be there. With Donghyuck, right beside Donghyuck.

“Okay, I’ll teach you.” Renjun said, grabbing Jisung’s hands and pulling him back to the shallow side of the pool. “So that we can convince appa to bring you swimming again.”

~.~

Donghyuck had just sent him a video of him teaching Jisung how to swim. No question, no comment, just the video. The third time he watched it, he was convinced it was taken for revenge. At some point in the video, Mark and Jaemin had been captured by the grill station. Yangyang had also been shown helping Renjun teach Jisung for a bit. There was only one person present in that house that never showed up.

“It was an accident.” Jeno tried, his hands up in a placating manner. He was backed in the corner of Mark’s kitchen counter, almost sitting on it. “I wasn’t going to send it to him, I promise. It’s just been my hand’s reflex to send him videos of Jisung when he’s not around.”

“Is appa angry?” Jisung whispered as he looked up at Renjun from his seat on the older’s lap. “He didn’t say anything.”

“I don’t think he’s angry,” Jeno tried again, hands still up in the air. “Just… shocked. Maybe.”

Truthfully, Renjun was terrified. He didn’t know if Donghyuck was expecting him to explain or if Donghyuck understood what he just did. Suddenly, he felt like a criminal. He felt like he kidnapped a child and scammed the father for money at the same time. He was lost on what to do.

“He’ll tell you what he wants you to do when he’s calm,” Mark came in from the yard with a platter full of grilled meat. “For now, we eat.”

There was not a single word from Donghyuck the whole time they were eating. He wished Donghyuck had attempted to make his phone explode though. The silence just made Renjun’s dread grow to the point he’d come to half expect Donghyuck to break up with him when he came back.

The call came just when Renjun finished feeding Moomin and Jisung was napping on Yangyang’s chest on the floor of the living room. He only tried to sleep when Renjun promised they'd go back into the pool when he woke up.

“Huang Renjun.”

“Yes, Hyuckie.”

If this had not involved someone’s child he’d have been more playful. Granted, Donghyuck didn’t explicitly tell him to never bring Jisung swimming. But technically, he still tested Donghyuck's trust. He couldn’t say he regretted doing what he did though. Jisung was really happy.

“You guys sleeping over?”

“Yeah. Mark hyung said it’ll be nice to swim in the morning.”

“Did Jisung throw a tantrum for you to do this?”

“No… he really wanted to swim though, Hyuckie.”

The chuckle that came was a good sign for Renjun. It meant he’d get an earful from Donghyuck but at least he wasn’t too angry. At least not enough to break up with him.

“Do you plan on spoiling my son, Huang?”

“... not intentionally?”

When Donghyuck gave a full blown laugh, Renjun could finally breathe again.

“I’m sorry, Hyuckie.”

“It’s okay, I guess.” Donghyuck said after a rather strong sigh. “I guess I went too far with the banning of pools and swimming in general? I was just really scared. I’m scared of a lot of things.”

“Hyuckie, you have two pairs of eyes now.”

Renjun wasn’t sure what to make of the silence that followed. He didn’t want to force his presence in the already established family. He also didn’t mean to barge in without permission. If anything, it was an offer. Something Donghyuck knew he could reject without hurting Renjun. Anything Renjun could offer that would involve Jisung, Donghyuck can reject and it’d be okay with Renjun.

“Okay. Thank you, Junnie.”

~.~

When Donghyuck got back to Seoul, Renjun and Jisung ordered take out at Donghyuck’s favorite Italian restaurant because Jisung said he wanted to celebrate having to sleep in his room again. And so as they ate dinner on the floor of Donghyuck’s living room, Jisung excitedly recounted his two weeks’ worth of adventure with Renjun, except for their swimming at Mark’s. It seemed the child himself wasn’t one-hundred percent convinced Donghyuck wasn’t angry.

“Baby, it’s okay. You can tell me about Mark ahjussi’s swimming pool,” Donghyuck said as he gently scrubbed spaghetti sauce off of Jisung’s face.

“You’re not angry?”

“You’re okay, right? You didn’t get hurt?”

“No.”

“You had fun?”

“I had so much fun, appa!”

When Jisung shouted gleefully, Renjun himself couldn’t help the delighted smile despite still worrying Donghyuck wouldn’t trust him with Jisung anymore. He wouldn’t blame him if Donghyuck decided to do that. A stranger would probably be a better disciplinarian than Renjun.

_ At least Jisung enjoyed his two weeks with me. _

“Then it’s okay. I just want to make sure that the next time this happens, I know.” Donghyuck was looking at Renjun when he said that, making Renjun squirm in his seat. “I just worry. I don’t want to be the last person to know what happened if something does happen.”

“Sorry, Hyuckie. I promise, I’ll ask you first.”

After dinner, when Jisung’s all bundled up in his bed and softly snoring, Renjun and Donghyuck went back to the living room floor to cuddle and sip coffee. Donghyuck was telling him about his trip when he stopped mid-sentence.

“Jeno told me Jisung refers to you as baba now.”

To say Renjun was surprised was an understatement. But to tell Donghyuck he was happy felt like the overstepping he’s so carefully avoided since they started dating. Was this okay with Donghyuck? He so wanted this to be okay with him. He wanted to be a part of their lives as much as he wanted them to be in his. And in that four months, the swell in his heart he’s come to associate with the father and son was actually them carving their space in life. He never really gave himself the time to think about it because he felt it was a type of overstepping but he actually wanted to think he was doing the same, even when all he’s done is help Donghyuck around the house with this and that.

“He never called me that…”

“He’s still shy, but he’ll get there.”

“So… this is okay? You’re okay with it?”

At Donghyuck’s silence, Renjun started to dread. He kept telling himself anything he can offer that involves Jisung, Donghyuck has all the right to reject. It’d hurt but his love came with huge amounts of respect. He’d have to deal with the pain.

“At first I was shocked, I didn’t know what to think. Jeno told me that while I was away. You weren’t right beside me to talk about it. Neither was Jisung to clarify it. I thought you were going to take him away from me. Then, I thought you’d run away because… Junnie, he’s not yours. You agreed to babysit him, not raise him. Then I was reminded you gave him something I was too terrified to give.

“That pool outing may be nothing to you but for me it was a big deal. I told you I have so many things I’m scared of when it comes to Jisung. Because of me, he’s missing a lot at such a young age. But you’re there to be fearless on my behalf. For Jisung’s sake. If that doesn’t scream father material to you, I don’t know what is.”

Renjun didn’t mean to cry. He swore he didn’t mean to cry. But when he remembered how his realization in Mark’s swimming pool came at a perfect timing, he couldn’t help but feel overwhelmed. Maybe the universe didn’t hate him that much after all.

“Remember when I told you I’m going to be the person standing behind you and Jisung? Can I stand beside him instead? Hold his hand like you?”

“Yes,” Donghyuck affirmed with a watery laugh, embracing Renjun tighter. “Yes you can. Please do.”

~.~

“I’m childless for a week.” Donghyuck’s frown was visible even from across the room, even with Renjun’s shitty eyesight. He had mentioned a few days ago that his parents had been complaining of missing Jisung, that he wasn’t bringing him over often enough. Renjun, ever the great planner that he was, scheduled a whole week of just hanging out at Donghyuck’s parents home. Something seemed to have gotten mistranslated along the way though because the grandparents got Jisung but he and Donghyuck were still in Seoul. “How did that even happen?”

“Did you say ‘yes’ or ‘sure’ to anything gibberish your mom said?”

“Of course not…”

“Of course you did, there’s your answer.” Renjun said, giggling as he made his way to the couch. Straddling Donghyuck’s legs, Renjun decided they needed to make the most out of that one week. “Any plans other than work?”

“I’m not even planning to work,” Donghyuck answered with a giggle of his own as he wrapped his arms around Renjun’s waist and pulled him closer to his torso. “Were you planning to work?”

It was a question Donghyuck clearly didn’t want an answer for. As soon as the words were out, one of his hands went to the back of Renjun’s head, pushing down so their lips could meet. If anything, Renjun thought that was Donghyuck’s attempt to convince him not to work. Not that he had any right then, all his artists had been done with their recording weeks ago.

“I’m all yours this week,” Renjun answered anyway, grinding once on Donghyuck’s lap in emphasis. Grinding again to be sure Donghyuck got the message, he said using the sultriest voice he could master “You can have me any way you want.”

Donghyuck would tell Jisung after that week how badly he missed the boy but he would never forget how much fun he had with Renjun. They didn’t even leave the apartment once.

~.~

“You’re single yet you chose someone with a child?”

Donghyuck’s relatives (he’s stopped caring what they were the moment one of them eyed him from head to toe like, what the fuck was that for?) were assholes. They were as demonic as his parents were angelic. Donghyuck’s parents must be saints. For fuck’s sake, he’s never hated Christmas parties this much before. To think he was excited because Jeno brought Jaemin too.

“I was single SO I chose someone with a child.” Renjun said with the fakest smile he could give. Whoever he chose to spend his life with is no one’s business. He’s gay anyway, it’s not like he’ll have what Donghyuck has if he had chosen someone else. “But, just out of curiosity AND with all due respect, what’s so surprising about this?”

“Someone already with a child has time to start a relationship? That’s new.” 

Whoever this fucker was, he was so close to feeling Renjun’s leather boot jab against his knee. Just because almost everyone there were a bunch of fifty-year-olds didn’t mean they could shove their nose in anyone’s affairs and get away with it.

“That’s new?” Renjun could feel Donghyuck hold his hand under the table as if he was trying to hold him down. Behind him, Jeno’s hand was on his shoulder. “I mean just because some of you here shriveled into old age with nasty divorces and relationships doesn’t mean all Lees will have to too.”

_ I’m not done yet, you motherfuckers. _

“Donghyuck has a child, not a curse. Not a burden. If he can be with a grown ass man like me, it means he’s more than capable of taking care of his own flesh and blood. I don’t care what you went through in life for you to say that, you don’t have the right to judge Donghyuck. AND You don’t have the right to question my decisions in life. I’m a fucking stranger to you, thank you very much.”

Right after dinner most of the asshole relatives were quick to leave, making random excuses Renjun couldn’t get himself to care about. When the last one finally left, Donghyuck’s father couldn’t stop himself from laughing.

“I told you not to invite my side of the family anymore,” Donghyuck’s dad said to his wife, still chuckling. Then to Renjun, “they had a lot of things to say when Jisung was born because most of them had a difficult time conceiving well after marriage. Hell, they had something to say when Taeyong was born nine months after our wedding. AND THEN, they had more to say when we had twins. They also had a lot to say when Jisung’s mom left. Every single thing that happens in this family, they’d have something to say.”

“They also had the worst family relationships ever.” Jeno added with a chuckle of his own. “Ugly divorces, child custody battles, fights over properties. A lot of nasty shit.”

“But this is the first time they left so fast.” Taeyong, Donghyuck’s eldest brother, said. He was elbow deep in dish soap by the sink. “Hopefully, they’d think twice the next time eomma invites them for dinner.”

“Fat chance.” Donghyuck said as he rocked a sleeping Jisung in his arms. “They’re always excited to accept eomma’s invitations because they want to eat us all up. Next year, they’ll have Renjun too.”

“IF I let them.”

On the way home, it was only Jaemin and Renjun. Jeno and Donghyuck decided to sleep over as requested by their parents. Just perfect though, because Renjun had been wanting to get Jaemin alone since the party ended. His best friend was awfully quiet the whole time they were at Donghyuck’s parent’s house.

“Nana, you okay?”

It took some time before Jaemin answered. When he did, he sounded hesitant but determined at the same time.

“That was too much. I realized you’ll have to go through that every year now. And I’ll have to watch you at a fucking Christmas party fight like it’s a battlefield every year now. Instead of enjoying food, instead of enjoying the presence of family.”

_ Do I have a choice? If that’s what it takes to be with Donghyuck, then sure.  _ He thought that, but he understood Jaemin. He really did. It sucked so much when he realized he’s never going to get along with his boyfriend’s relatives. And, because Jaemin is his best friend, he never will too. But he’d seriously rather die an ugly death than sit through the shit they threw at him and Donghyuck. Donghyuck did not deserve that.

“That’s one night in a year, Nana. After that, we’d have a party with your relatives, with my relatives, Mark hyung’s relatives. They’re all nice. No matter how bad Donghyuck’s relatives were, ours can overpower them.”

Jaemin was silent again after that. Renjun could feel there was something he wanted to say. Whatever that is, Jaemin was having a hard time. So, Renjun gave him time. Instead focusing on his driving.

“Remember when Yangyang told you to leave some for yourself too? Please don’t forget that. We love you too much. We don’t want to see you hurting yourself… for someone else.”

~.~

When things came crashing down, it was with so much force that the pain made him feel numb for a few seconds. But also in no time at all, that same pain knocked him back to his senses. His views became clear. Suddenly, he's the sanest he's been in years.

It wasn't like Renjun had ever claimed to be sane. No, he wouldn't have been a composer and lyricist if he had been sane. He's Chinese, if he was born sane, he'd have taken his parents' college decisions for himself. If he had been sane, he wouldn't be in South Korea, living his dream life.

With that said, falling in love with a man who has a child never occurred to him as something questionable. Renjun was well aware that a kid in the middle of a new relationship could be a bit difficult; more difficult when they both know Renjun wasn’t there just to check for chemistry and then very casually check out when there's none.

"Apparently, you're doomed from the very beginning, Renjun." Jaemin told him years ago, the first time he ever dated someone and he was desperate to hold on because of genuine like. "No one jumps in just like that now. No one has the courage for that."

Renjun did. He strongly believed he had enough courage for both himself and Donghyuck. And Jisung. It sounded crazy, but he'd given them both his whole heart the moment he laid eyes on them. He had more than enough courage and love and faith for all three of them.

"Renjun, I think we're just hurting each other." Donghyuck said, his body slumped as usual on Renjun's sofa. This time though, he was leaning away from Renjun, as if Renjun was the one causing him pain. "This setup has never been ideal from the very beginning."

_ You're doomed from the very beginning. _

"Why..."  _ Do I fight for... this? Do I concede? _ He was lost for quite a few moments. And apparently, that's more than enough time for Donghyuck to slip through his fingers.

"You don't seriously believe you can fight them all off for me and Jisung, babe? I know you hurt just as much as I do when they point their fingers at us."

"I don't care..." In his mind, there was only him, Donghyuck and their adorable Jisung. In his mind, the only problem was the allergy Jisung has to certain foods. In his mind, they only needed to fix a proper schedule so they don't neglect each other and Jisung. In his mind, the worst that can happen would be to lose Jisung in the grocery store.

In his mind, there was not a single person who cared about them. Jeno, Jaemin, Mark and Yangyang, yes. But in his mind, everyone was just like the four- people who were happy that they were.

"You do, it's hurting you so much. Just think, I'm already getting hurt by these people spewing shit about me and my child clinging to a single guy with a bright future. Seeing you get hurt because of me is too much. It's just too much."

Suddenly, everything was all sorts of wrong but at the same time, made so much sense. Suddenly, Renjun was angry.

“Don’t do that. If you want to leave me, leave. But don’t blame me.” Despite everything, Renjun had to be thankful he was reasonable enough not to shout because Jisung was sleeping in the bedroom. He was angry at Donghyuck, Jisung had nothing to do with anything. “Don’t tell me what I’m feeling, I know very well what I’m feeling. I’m in love with you and I love Jisung. I’m not hurting at all. If you don’t like that I’m willing to fight for you two, then leave. But don’t point at me. I’m not the weak one in this relationship.”

It was pathetic really. He was stuck in this cute bubble, totally uncaring of Donghyuck and his feelings. He only thought of himself. Because as easy as it was for him, it wasn't for Donghyuck. Renjun's heart might have fit him and Jisung but he was not big enough to shield them both from judgement and pain inflicted by everyone around them. And there was more than just their four friends surrounding them. There were eyes who could see them and not like what they see. Those eyes have mouths that can only spit out venomous words because nothing about them is normal.

But  _ that  _ was the extent of his mistake. If Donghyuck was going to embrace his weakness, then so be it. There were two adults in this bubble. It was not Renjun’s sole responsibility to be strong. Donghyuck was simply selfish.

“Be honest Donghyuck, did you ever really have feelings for me? Why are the opinions of random assholes more important to you? I, the fucking childless, single guy, didn’t care. I never cared. For me, there’s only ever been you and Jisung.”

Slowly, he felt his heart getting empty. Even if he fought Donghyuck, he knew the younger was still going to leave. What’s worse, he was going to take Jisung with him. It was unfair how he worked so hard to make them happy, but in the end he’s still the one left with nothing.

“You’re unfair, Lee Donghyuck.”

~.~

Renjun found it pretty funny how fast he got over his anger. After just a few minutes, he was reduced to nothing but a sad crying lump on his living room floor with Moomin licking his face every so often. That was how his friends found him, a dehydrated lump of limbs hugging Moomin like he’s a lifeline.

“I’m leaving,” Renjun said lifelessly, surprising the others. He couldn’t come up with any other solution. He’s known even before they got together that it’d be difficult to get rid of the thought of Donghyuck. Them getting together and imprinting on each other’s life just made it worse. “I need to be as far away from here as possible.”

“Oh goodness, no.”

“That’s a bit too rash, don’t you think?”

“Baekhyun hyung’s offer still stands.” Mark reminded him with a pat on his arm. At the sight of two bewildered faces, he said, “Baekhyun hyung, a senior producer, recommended Renjun to be the head of the extension branch in the US. Because, you know, college background and experience and everything else, not just in making music. When the higher-ups saw his credentials, they said they’ll keep the position empty until he accepts.”

From bewilderment to shock to anger to despair, the transition of emotions was quick. He felt bad for his friends, especially for Yangyang who’s always been happier when he gets to work with Renjun. But he couldn’t think of anything else that would ease his pain. Right then, all he wanted to be able to do was leave behind any and all memories of Donghyuck and Jisung.

“I’ll talk to the boss tomorrow.”

~.~

[he cried but jisung cried harder]

_ Well, there’s that.  _ He’s been receiving  _ updates _ from Jeno since he told them the news that he accepted the offer. Jeno wasted no time at all in telling Donghyuck his plans. At first, Donghyuck had acted as if nothing was wrong. But when Renjun informed everyone that he’d be leaving in a week, that text message was what he got.

[i’ll send you toys to give him just don’t tell his father]

[you think he cried because he wanted toys?]

[he’ll definitely not get me back so where do we go from here?]

He didn’t know immediately but Donghyuck had made sure Renjun and Jisung would never be able to talk or see each other again. He wouldn’t let Jeno babysit Jisung anymore, he blocked Renjun’s number, told the daycare employees to never allow him to sign Jisung out and totally changed their route so Jisung wouldn’t be reminded of  _ his beloved Renjun baba.  _ Renjun understood why Donghyuck did this. It would most likely be impossible to get over Renjun if Jisung kept asking for him. It hurt, but it was necessary.

[is this really it jun]

[we don’t even know when you're coming back]

[i’ll visit when i’m feeling better]

[please take care of them for me]

[jaemin donghyuck and jisung]

~.~

A month into his new life, he was aching for South Korea and everything he left there. He missed writing songs for Yangyang, missed the sound booths in the main building, missed Jaemin’s constant presence. He still wrote for Yangyang but didn’t send him any of them because they were all break up songs. He actually thought it was counterproductive to write these songs when they’re all about Donghyuck. But they were plaguing his mind, begging him to write them.

It was also a month into his new life that Donghyuck came. No one had any idea Donghyuck had planned to fly to him. He just left Jisung to Jeno, told him he’d only be gone for a maximum of a week, and then showed up at Renjun’s door. But it had been more than a week and he was still not back in Korea. Renjun was losing his mind.

“What the fuck are you doing? What about Jisung?”

“I told you, I’m not flying until I get you back.”

Donghyuck had clarified he didn’t mean he’d take Renjun back to Korea. He just wanted another chance. But with how Renjun’s heart was still smarting and feeling empty, he couldn’t get himself to give another chance to anyone. And seeing Donghyuck almost everyday, it just made the pain more felt. 

“Besides, Jeno said he’s doing just fine with Jisung.”

“Donghyuck, this is so unfair.”

“I know, I’ve always been unfair to you. This will be the last time. I’m begging.”

~.~

Renjun had been as stupid as Donghyuck was unfair since the beginning. His heart was still smarting and feeling empty, but worst of all, it was calling out to Donghyuck. The moment he opened the door to a jetlagged Donghyuck, his heart had been crying out. His heart had been begging him for at least a hug, or the feeling of Donghyuck’s hand in his even just for a second.

His implosion came in the form of an emotional breakdown emergency call to Donghyuck, begging him to come to him. Donghyuck, upon spotting him on the floor of his kitchen, wailing like it was the end of his world, wordlessly embraced him until he calmed down. It might have taken him hours to calm down, or maybe just minutes, but his body had never felt more like his own since they broke up, until he was in Donghyuck’s arms again.

“Feeling better?” Donghyuck asked when Renjun’s crying had reduced to mere hiccups. “That came out of nowhere.”

“Not really,” Renjun mumbled, his face shoved on Donghyuck’s chest. “It’s been building since you showed up.”

“My presence is that unwelcome, huh?”

“No, I meant,” Renjun cut himself off to take a deep breath. He was going to explain himself but what for? Did this mean he was going to accept Donghyuck back in his life? Moving to straddle Donghyuck’s crossed legs, he took another deep breath and continued. “Ever since you showed up, I’ve wanted to hold you. But I can’t, it’s not that easy. Donghyuck, you came here because of a realization. But how are you going to assure me you won’t abandon me again? And you left me… Hyuck, you left me using Jisung as an excuse. You used  _ us  _ as an excuse for  _ your _ weakness. I am sure I will be stupid again, I’ll give my everything to you and Jisung again, no questions asked. But you… Hyuckie, you didn’t even hesitate to drop me at the littlest of inconvenience. And yes, they’re nothing but a small inconvenience. I’ve always been right here but you chose to see those assholes when they’re nothing but digging their own graves running their mouths like that.”

“I’m sorry, Renjun. I talked to Taeyong hyung. He didn’t mean to but he planted ideas into my head. I feared for Jisung’s life. He’s going to grow up hearing these bad things about us. All three of us. I thought if I left you, they’d stop. I forgot they’ve been talking even before he was born. But I didn’t think the two of us would be strong enough to protect him.”

“You have to understand, Hyuckie, that there’s no perfect way of parenting. What’s important is that we do our best. Besides, you alone have been doing so well protecting him. You have to learn to give yourself more credit because this is your son. This is Jisung.”

“Jun, I’m doing my best. I’m learning. I can’t promise to never let go. I’m weak, we’ve long since established that. But I want to fight for you as much as I want to protect Jisung. I’m begging for another chance.”

The chance came in the shape of lips meeting lips, more tears and more apologies from both Donghyuck and Renjun. Hours later, spent in bed but still basking in each other’s presence, proclamations of love were exchanged. For the first time since he left Korea, Renjun’s heart felt full again.

~.~

“I can’t believe you took that with you.”

“Says the guy who can’t say no to Jisung.”

Okay, Renjun saw that coming. But the fact Donghyuck himself didn’t even hesitate to bring along the old, giant stuffed toy he insisted Jisung had grown out of to the US just because Jisung pouted at him was kind of hilarious. Between the two of them, Donghyuck was the one ‘immune’ to the child’s manipulative habits.

“You could have told him we’ll buy him a new one.”

“He said it smelled like Moomin.”

“Well, Moomin’s right here.”

Deciding to live with Renjun in the states wasn’t easy. Donghyuck would have to leave a lot of important things behind. His family, their friends, his job. Renjun made sure to never pressure him, not even the slightest bit with passing words or gestures. But Donghyuck himself knew that flying half-way across the world wasn’t just so he and Jisung could be with Renjun. Donghyuck was flying Jisung there for a much more peaceful and brighter future. Donghyuck can work things out with Renjun, while Jisung will have a clean slate to work on. And this time, he’ll have a complete set of parents to love and care for him.

“Thank you, Junnie.” Donghyuck mumbled into the back of Renjun’s neck as they laid in bed. “Thank you so much.”

It was the night of Donghyuck and Jisung’s arrival with a few of their stuff. They decided to retire early because simply looking at a drained Jisung drained them of energy too.

“That should be my line,” Renjun countered, threading their fingers together. “Thank you for choosing me, thank you for giving me a spot in your family. I promise to work hard so you don’t regret moving your whole life here with me. I promise I’ll love and take care of you and Jisung for the rest of my life.”

“Me too, I promise to work hard with you in everything. And love and take care of you and Jisung forever.”

And that promise was sealed with the sweetest kiss.

**Author's Note:**

> For those who are curious, I know these weren't clear so let me here:
> 
> Mark and Renjun are both record producers but they also write for artists. Yangyang is an idol/musician. Jaemin is a preschool teacher. Jeno owns a pet salon. Donghyuck is a university instructor. These aren't important, just some stuff I needed to have in my head the whole time so that I can write this fic.
> 
> Another thing: I know this is very much one-sided and selfish. For that, I'm sorry. As I've said, I've never had any experience with parenthood, especially single-parenthood. If I offended anyone, I'm sorry.
> 
> Last: please don't ask me Jisung's age lol I have no idea how child age works


End file.
